


Dean Winchester's Journal

by Huntress79, iamremy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 2019 Supernatural Gencest Bang, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean cannot live without Sam, Epistolary, Gen, Grief/Mourning, I know it says major character death but the ending is happy I swear, Platonic Soulmates, Spells & Rituals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 19:46:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18453380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntress79/pseuds/Huntress79, https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamremy/pseuds/iamremy
Summary: Sam has always been the other half of Dean's soul, even if they've never spoken about it. And now the idiot's gone and sacrificed himself for the greater good, and it's up to Dean to juggle his grief and rage while finding out where Sam's soul went, and why Billie won't answer his summons.





	Dean Winchester's Journal

**Author's Note:**

> I have been so excited for this bang, you guys, you don't even know. Gen fics are my absolute favorite kind to read, perhaps even more than Wincest, and the tumblr post for the Gencest Bang caught my attention immediately. I'm so grateful to the mods for putting it together - it's such a brilliant idea, and you guys are amazing!
> 
> The art for this is done by the amazing, talented and lovely Sandy, who has been endlessly patient with me and has provided me with the amazing pieces you'll see in the story, and [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18453041). They are exactly how I hoped they would be; it's almost like she read my mind. Thank you so much, Sandy, you're the best! *padahugs you back*
> 
> Special thanks as always to Sanjana, who not just beta'd this for me, but along with Pooja, provided feedback, validation, and unimaginable support. You guys are wonderful, and every day I am so grateful for you, for putting up with me and my intense spurts of plot-related texting, and of all the complaining I manage to squeeze in between. Where would I be without you?
> 
> Onwards!

[ ](http://imgbox.com/llN6bP8g)

 

 

It’s the kid’s birthday. He turns three.

He hasn’t really spoken much all day. I made him his favorite breakfast, but he barely ate. Cas got him some gigantic book on Middle Eastern mythology that Sam would have loved. Mom got him a new watch.

I didn’t know what to get him, so I just told him to take his pick of the cars in the garage. About time he has his own ride.

Cas says Sam got him something too, but it’s in his room and I can’t go in there just yet. Jack’s just going to have to wait for it. Though I’m not sure I will ever have the strength to go in Sam’s room, so that day might not come for a while.

He misses Sam. We all do. Sam was always the one he ran to with his issues, always the one who believed in him the most. In all of us.

I don’t know how I’m going to go on like this. I don’t know how much longer I _can_.

 

 

 

Mom and I had a fight today, and she left. Said she wanted some time on her own.

Cas says I should apologize. I told him I did nothing wrong. She should have thought about what she was saying before she said it. Is it some kinda crime to mourn your brother, now?

_Mourn_. I fucking hate that word. Done it so damn many times.

Spent today going through every single godforsaken book about resurrection I could find. Found nothing. As if it was ever gonna be that easy.

If Sam were here he’d kick my ass. Both for yelling at Mom, and for drinking so much. But Sam’s not here, and that’s the whole damn issue.

 

 

 

****

Cas says he’s found a lead, some psychic in Boston who may be able to tell us where Sam’s soul is. Billie won’t come when I summon her, and Sam made me swear not to do anything stupid like OD on barbiturates, so this is all we’ve got. Here’s to hoping.

 

 

 

It didn’t work.

 

 

 

Great, now Cas isn’t talking to me either.

Mom says I’m self-destructing. She’s right. It’s what Sam would say, too, but Sam’s never seen me get _this_ bad. It’s never been this bad before because I always had him even if I had no one else.

I just don’t know what else to do. He’s not here, and nothing is working. We don’t know where his soul is. Cas can’t find him in Heaven, which has to mean Billie made good on her promise, ~~but that’s~~

I can’t accept that. I _can’t_. All that’s ever kept me going was that even if I had to live without him in this world, I’d see him again in Heaven when I died. And now I don’t even have that.

It’s not fair.

I should apologize to Cas. It’s not his fault, none of this is. He’s trying his best. It’s not easy on him either, having to look after Jack, and now after me as well. And he misses Sam, I know he does.

It’s just not the same without him. Mom’s away more than ever, and Cas has got his stuff going on, and Jack won’t come out of his room. I don’t leave mine much either. If Sam could see us now he’d kick our asses, but he’s always been what held us together and now none of us know what to do without him.

I don’t know what to do with myself if I can’t be with him, and that’s the honest truth of it.

 

 

 

Nobody picks up our calls now. We must have gone to every damn psychic on this continent, every shaman and witch and everything else. Nothing. No one can help us.

Cas is trying to stay hopeful, and make sure that Jack doesn’t give up, but I can’t. I don’t know what to tell him when he asks, every damn time, if this one’ll work. I don’t know what to do when he has nightmares, because I can barely deal with my own. I can’t stop seeing Sam’s blood on my hands, so how the hell can I help anyone else?

Sam would have known what to do, but he isn’t fucking here anymore. He had to play the damn hero, had to die for the rest of us, had to leave us. He left me. I hate him for it, and I love him. So damn much.

Was it worth it, Sammy?

I’d take it all back any day, every vamp and wolf and demon, every poltergeist and rugaru and wendigo, if it meant I could have just a few more hours with you, Sam. Just an hour. A few minutes. _Anything_.

Fuck you, Sam, for doing this to me.

 

 

 

Jack came to my room tonight, said he couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want him to see me like this, drunk off my ass, my room a fucking mess, but it’s too late now. At any rate he didn’t seem to care.

I know he’s having nightmares. He’s got those bags under his eyes, and he looks fucking exhausted all the damn time. Cas offered to help him sleep a few times, but he always says no. Don’t know why.

I know what he dreams about. I’m not the only one who can’t stop seeing Sam’s blood on their hands.

Anyway, I let him get in bed with me. It was always Sam he used to go to when he couldn’t sleep. Many mornings I’d find them like that, him asleep in Sam’s bed. Sam said he slept better if Sam read him something, so I tried that too. But reading to Jack reminded me too damn much of when Sam was little and I’d read to him, and I couldn’t do it. I don’t think Jack minded either, considering what a crap job I was doing.

He asked me for stories about you, Sam. I didn’t know what to tell him, so I figured I’d start small, told him about the case at Plucky’s. It made him smile a little, so there’s that, and he’s asleep now.

Wish I could sleep too, Sammy. Wish it didn’t hurt so damn much just thinking about you.

Wish I knew how to go on without you.

 

 

 

Too damn drunk to hold a pen but I’m fuckin trying and I think that counts for something.

Remember that field we lit fireworks in, Sammy? I do. I remember how happy you were. It’s one of the best memories I’ve got. I know it’s probably one of yours too. I wish you’d seen it too when we were in Heaven. I wish they hadn’t screwed with your Heaven, Sammy. Wish they hadn’t made you hate it. ~~Or me.~~ Wish I’d given it more thought before I’d gotten mad at you, before I’d thrown the amulet away.

I regretted it, you know. Not an hour later, I did. Would’ve gone back for it, too. Don’t know why I didn’t. Don’t know why I just gave up. You’d never have. You never did no matter how bad it got.

You kept it, Sammy. All those years, you did. I just wish you’d told me earlier. Wish you hadn’t been scared to give it back, Sammy. I’d never have thrown it again. I’d have kept it on me always. I wish you’d known that.

Wish you could see me wear it now.

Shit Sam what am I supposed to _do_? I don’t know how to do this man. I don’t know how to go on without you. Nothing makes sense and all I wanna do is die but I don’t wanna let you down. It’s not just me and you anymore. It’s just me but I can’t do shit ‘cause Mom’s here and so is our kid and so is Cas and I can’t quit on them. No matter how badly I want to.

Why did you go where I can’t follow Sammy?

 

 

 

Got drunk and went into Sam’s room. Looks exactly like how he left it, but dustier. Bed’s still unmade; chair out of the desk; a book upside down on the side table.

Nothing smells like him anymore. Just dust. And ashes.

He left Jack’s present on his table. ~~It’s~~

~~Fuck.~~

Adoption papers.

Fake, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

~~I can’t do this, I can’t.~~

 

 

 

Mom thinks I’m drinking too much. I think I’m not drinking enough.

Does it even really matter? How will staying sober help me? Then again, even drinking doesn’t help when all I can do is think of him, where he is, where he _isn’t_.

God, it just never gets easier, does it?

 

 

 

Gave Jack the adoption papers. No point to them now but I think he’d have liked to know Sam was serious about it, about keeping him.

He always was, even when I wasn’t, even when Cas wasn’t here. And it sucks ass that the one parent Jack had to lose is the one who loved him the most, who wanted him the most. It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair to him, or to me, or to Cas, because we don’t know what to do.

Mom got drunk with me today. Cas would’ve too, if he could’ve, but he just sat with us. I don’t know where Jack is. Cas says he’s in his room. Says he needs some space right now.

I get it, I do. It’s gotta hurt, seeing those papers. Hell, it hurts _me_ , that just until recently, Sam thought he was gonna live long enough to be able to give those to Jack on his birthday. It hurts that he didn’t, it hurts that I had to, and that I’m the mess of a parent Jack gets when it should have been Sam.

I’m gonna sign those papers, though. If Jack wants me to. I feel like Sam would want me to.

But I’m also scared I won’t stick around long enough either, and then the kid’ll lose another parent.

God, Cas, I hope you’ve got something, because I sure as hell don’t.

 

 

 

I never told you, but I’m so damn proud of you for getting a full-ride to Stanford. So fucking proud. Always knew you were smart, Sammy. Always knew you were gonna make something of yourself, be happier than Dad and I ever got to be.

I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. I’m sorry I pulled you away from it. You wanted it to work out, and it didn’t, and I’m so sorry, Sammy.

 

 

 

Coming up on six months now. No fucking idea how I made it this long.

Still, nothing. Jack shit. Nada.

Can’t help but think that if it was me, Sam would’ve had something by now. Always the smart one. He wouldn’t be sitting around wasting his time getting drunk. He’d have found me. He’d have done whatever it took.

I’m letting him down again.

Sorry, Sammy. Can’t do much else these days.

Mom’s gone back to hunting. Says it’s all that keeps her sane. She blames herself, thinks if she’d never made that deal with Yellow Eyes, we wouldn’t be here. Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t really matter now.

Sometimes I think she feels guilty because you’re her baby and she failed you. Because just when it looked like everything was going to be fine, and we were going to be okay, you left us, and we don’t even know where you are.

Why would you do that to her, man? Why would you do that to me? How am I supposed to help her? How am I supposed to be there for her? I don’t know how to do any of it, Sammy, I don’t know how to fix anything. I’m just so fucking lost.

 

 

 

I know we never talked about it, but I remember what Ash said to us in Heaven. About special cases. Soulmates. Had a lot on our plates at the time, so I didn’t really think about it, but it makes sense, doesn’t it?

You’re my soulmate.

~~What kinda cheesy Hallmark crap, I swear~~

But it’s true. It’s always been true, even before he told us. I always knew, somehow. You did too, didn’t you?

I looked it up a bit, couple days ago. Whatever I could find on the internet. Even looked at those big fucking books in the library. Accidentally tore off a corner of a really old one, too. Sorry about that.

~~I’d do anything to have you get mad at me about damaging that stupid book. Anything.~~

Anyway. Soulmates.

The Greeks thought it was like. Two people who used to be one, but Zeus split them down the middle and now everyone’s looking for their other half. Osiris and Iris from Egyptian mythology were soulmates too apparently, even though they were siblings. Kinda like us but, uh, they did the horizontal tango and shit. Old and New Testament, the Hindus – one soul, two bodies.

I don’t know if any of it’s true. Asked Cas. He doesn’t know either. Says soulmates – as in, people who share Heavens – are rare. Even rarer for them to be, you know. Siblings. Says you and I are the only case he knows of.

I just don’t know, Sammy. You’re part of my soul, always have been. You’ve kept me human, kept me sane, kept me alive. So if you’re not there anymore, what am I?

Missing my other half? Part of my soul? Both? Sure as hell feels like both. Don’t know what’s left remaining of me, if all the parts that are _you_ are gone.

I don’t have any answers, Sammy. Just a lot of questions and a whole lot of silence.

 

 

 

Went into your room again. Wish I hadn’t.

You never told me you’d left me a note, you absolute fucker.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with this, Sam?

 

**Attached: handwritten note**

****

****

****

 

_Dean,_

_You’re probably gonna find this long after I’m gone, which is the way I’ve planned it. Sorry about that. But I couldn’t just give it to you, because then you’d read it before I left, and then you’d convince me to stay. And I can’t. What we’re doing, what we have to do, it’s much more important than I am. Much bigger._

_Truth is, Dean, I don’t know if I’m gonna come back from this. I don’t know if it’ll be like the trials, and I have to die to make it happen. If it is like that, though, I hope you’ll forgive me. Someday._

_It’s not that I want to leave you behind. It’s just… this is our chance, you know? Everything we’ve done, everything we’ve ever fought for – this is the endgame, Dean. This is what it’s all been for. A world without monsters. All we’ve ever wanted, right? So if I get the chance to do that, to make up for everything I’ve done before, to save all these people, then I’m gonna take that chance, Dean._

_If I make it, I’m gonna come back and burn this letter._

_If I don’t—_

_I’m sorry. Please don’t be too mad at me, Dean. I know it must seem impossible right now, but you’ll be okay. You have to be. There’s no point to all of this, what I’m_ doing, _if you won’t be okay after._

_Look after yourself, okay? I’m gonna make you promise in person, but I’ll say it here anyway. You have to be okay. For me. And for Jack. Take care of him, okay, Dean? He’s our kid. He’s not gonna be able to deal with this on his own, and you’ve got to help him. Help him understand what I’m doing, why I’m doing it. For you and him, so you guys can have better lives than I did. So he can grow up better than we did. Tell him that, okay, Dean? And tell him that I love him, and I always will, even if I’m not around._

_And Cas, too. He might understand, but tell him what I said anyway. Tell him I’m gonna miss him, wherever I_ go, _and tell him that he’s the best friend anybody could ever have asked for. Tell him thanks, for being our guardian angel. For being mine._

_And Dean._

_I could write a million words here and it would never be enough. Yeah yeah, no chick flick moments, I know, but just this once, okay? Let me. I need to say ~~(write?)~~ it. I have never loved anyone, in my whole life, more than I’ve loved you. Not Mom, not Dad, not Jessica, not anyone. Right from when I was a kid, up till now, this moment. Sometimes it scares me, the lengths I’d go to for you. The things I’d do. And you’ve always done the same for me._

_And I know I wasn’t always the best brother. I’ve done some really messed up shit, I’ve screwed things up a lot and you’ve always had to clean up my messes_ afterwards _, and for that I’m sorry. I know it’s all water under the bridge now, but I wanna say it anyway. Just in case I never get another chance to. You’re my hero, Dean. Always have been. Always will be. I could have a thousand lifetimes and it wouldn’t be enough to ever repay you._

_I love you. I’ve never said it enough, but I do. I always will, no matter what._

_Please don’t hate me, Dean. I hope one day you’ll get why I did what I did. And if you don’t – well, we can talk about it once you’re in Heaven too. At least, that’s where I hope I’m going. If I am, I’ll be waiting for you._

_Love,_

_Sammy_

 

 

 

How am I supposed to deal with this? Fuck.

Fuck, I need a drink.

 

 

 

Showed Jack the note. He cried a little. Cas might’ve too, I think. Couldn’t really tell.

Jack’s sleeping in my bed again tonight. Said he couldn’t be alone in his room, said he missed you too much. I told him I do, too.

He didn’t want a story tonight, so I just sang _Hey Jude_ to him. He told me you’d sung it to him too, in the beginning, when he was just a few days old. I didn’t know that. Made me miss you something _bad_ , Sammy.

God, I don’t know when I began writing these to you instead of just as journal entries. Don’t know why I’m writing all this in the first place. Maybe so one day Jack can read it, like we read Dad’s journal. Maybe so he can understand, well, _everything_.

I’m glad you left me that note. It makes me miss you so fucking bad it hurts, but I’m glad you did it. When I read it I feel like you’re here, talking to me. I feel less like someone’s cut out every part of me that was good.

 

 

 

I miss the little things about you, Sammy. The way you geeked out over research. How unreasonably happy you got over serial killer fun facts. How you always bitched when I told you to cut your hair, but you’d always get a trim anyway.

Your stupid salads. Your gross smoothies. The way you fell asleep in the car no matter how loud I had the music on.

The way you talked to Jack, the way you held him when he was upset. The way you’d nudge my knee or my shoulder, the way you always knew just what to say to me no matter how I was feeling. The way you rolled your eyes at my jokes even when they made you laugh.

The way you smiled. Your voice.

This is how it’s gonna be, isn’t it? I’m gonna keep missing you till the day I die, and it’s never going to get any easier to deal with. I promised you I’d be okay, but I lied. Sorry, Sammy, but I did. No way in hell can I be okay when you’re not there to make sure of it.

 

 

 

Back at it with the soulmate lore. Don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Don’t know how it’s gonna help.

Mom says I’m pouring lemon juice into a gaping wound. She’s right, but I don’t know how to stop.

I don’t know what I’m looking for. Answers, maybe? I’m not even sure what the damn question is.

Do answers even exist in this scenario?

Mom’s probably right, it’s a wild goose chase, but you know what, I’m gonna do it anyway. At least I _have_ something to do.

 

 

 

Yahtzee.

Mom was wrong. Don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody this happy at being proven wrong, though. I missed how she laughs. She hasn’t done it since you left.

~~None of us have.~~

Anyway. Found a ritual in a lore book so old, every time I touch it I’m afraid it’ll fall apart. I think it’s bound in human skin, actually, which, ugh, _gross_. Cas said he can touch it and find out, but I told him I’d rather not know.

It’s not in any one language – Enochian, Latin, Aramaic, ancient Greek, Celtic, it’s got ‘em all. I know you’d have loved geeking out over that aspect at least, because there is _nothing else_ that is good about this book. Seriously, it makes the Book of the Damned look like a fucking children’s storybook. We had to break like, a billion layers of curses just to be able to touch it.

And touching it makes me want to take a million showers. I swear this has got to be human skin, but I’m never going to want to find out. If Cas actually tells me I’ll kick his ass.

Anyway, Cas translated it for me, and holy shit, _holy shit_ , this book is fucked up, man. I’ve been in Hell, I’ve been a demon, I’ve been an angel meatsuit, and still I did not know it’s possible to get this dark. Like. I don’t even have words, man. It makes the Stynes look like the Brady Bunch.

There’s a ritual in it, about. Well. Cleaving souls in half. Separating them, basically. Apparently it’s supposed to create soulmates out of one soul, but it’s really painful, going by the, uh, _illustrations_. Which look like they’re done in blood. _Ugh_.

It’s in Enochian, and Cas says it’s never worked. Says that, considering how rare soulmates are, Heaven would know if you could just run around creating them. I told him I don’t really care unless this gross-ass spell can help somehow.

He thought it could, so we called in Rowena, and she thinks, if we modify it a bit, it just might work. Not to split souls, obviously, that just seems barbaric, but to, you know. Locate a missing half, so to speak. She says if we give her a couple days she can pull it off. I asked what she wants in return, and she said nothing. Funny thing is, I believe her. I think she misses you too, which is a bit weird, but you did always have that effect on people.

Sammy, if this works, I’ll finally know where you are. I’ll finally know where to go.

 

 

 

Heard back from Rowena. She’s spent the last few days making Cas run around the world, getting shit for her from all over, and now she says she’s ready to try the spell.

I’m scared.

It’s weird, I know, but I keep thinking – what if it doesn’t work? Not that I doubt Rowena’s skills, but. What if it doesn’t work, and I never find you again?

I don’t think I’ve ever been this terrified in my life, and yeah, that includes the fucking apocalypse. At least I had you then, man. At least I knew, if something happened, I could always just find you in heaven again. Now I don’t even know that for sure.

I don’t know if this is going to work. I don’t know what I’m going to do if it doesn’t. Wait, no, I _do_ know, but you’re not gonna like it. I feel like just saying it or writing it down will make Cas and Jack appear in my room to kick my ass.

I’m trying not to get Jack’s hopes up too high, but it’s happening anyway. It’s not even that there’s any chance of bringing you back. I don’t even know where you are. It’s just. It’s _something_ , you know? Closure, I suppose.

~~That’s if it works out.~~

We’re trying on Halloween, because Rowena says it’ll have more power then. I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin with stress before then. I can’t wait and also I’m more terrified than I have ever been.

 

 

 

Tried summoning Billie again just for the hell of it. She didn’t answer. Of course she didn’t.

Dunno what I’d have done if she had, anyway. Not like I can actually hurt her in any way, though fuck knows, she really makes me want to.

 

 

 

Looks like the kid’s making a habit of coming to my room when he can’t sleep. I can’t tell him no either, he just makes that face, must’ve learned it from you. Hurts to see it, honestly, you always could’ve made me do anything with that face and those eyes.

He asked me if I think the spell will work. Thought about lying for a second, but told him the truth in the end. It’ll hurt worse if he’s not prepared for it to fail, but God, I hope it doesn’t. I really fucking hope it doesn’t.

We just sat all night, he and I. Talked, but there were also moments when we just sat without saying a word. He said he’s scared because he’s already lost you, and one day he’ll lose me too, and he doesn’t know what he’ll do then. Swear my heart broke for the kid, Sam. Sometimes I forget you left him just as much as you left me.

I told him he’ll have Cas. Might even have Mom if she’s still around. He said it’s not gonna be the same without me and you. Told him that can’t be helped. Said he doesn’t wanna live forever if we’re not there with him, and I told him he doesn’t know what he’s saying. I do, though, but I’m not gonna let him sit here and tell me he wants to die at the ripe old age of three.

I ended up giving him some of the pictures I’ve got of us. I won’t be needing them much longer, and it’ll be nice for him to have something like that to remember us by. I kept one though, that’s coming with me.

 

 

 

Gonna do the ritual at midnight.

Sammy I’m so scared. So fucking scared. What if it doesn’t work, what if I never find you again, what if I’m just doomed to spend the rest of my life like this, missing you so much it hurts, and I never ever get to see you again? I can’t take that man I can’t I don’t wanna live without you. Never have never will and fuck what anyone says.

Rowena seems pretty confident and so does Cas and also Jack but Mom and I haven’t slept in a while and I think it’s beginning to show. Might’ve had a few drinks too but we didn’t get too drunk because now we have something to _do_ and being drunk won’t help, not right now.

But Sammy I’m still so fucking scared and I don’t know how I’ll deal if this doesn’t work. Hell I don’t even know what I’ll do if it _does_ work and I find you again. Follow you probably. It’s what you’d do, it’s what we’ve always done and why should we stop now? Nothing means anything if you’re not there and there is nothing left in the world for me without you.

I’d be leaving everyone behind though. Mom and Jack and Cas. They’re gonna hate me, I think at the very least they’re gonna be so mad at me but Sammy I don’t care. I mean I do a little but it’s nothing compared to how badly I wanna see you again.

Maybe I should write them a note. But if I do that and they find it before I do anything they’ll kick my ass and then I’ll have to deal with it and talk to them about it and that is the absolute last fucking thing I want to do. A note won’t be necessary anyway I think. They’ll figure it out.

You know what the weird thing is Sammy? I have no idea if this is gonna work and what’s gonna happen afterwards regardless of the outcome but Sammy. For the first time since you left I feel like I’m finally at peace. It’s a bit quieter in my head and my chest doesn’t hurt so much anymore when I think of you.

Maybe I get to see you again and maybe I don’t but either way Sammy I’m done here. I’m done and nothing and no one can change my mind. You were the only one who could and you aren’t around to talk me out of it.

 

 

 

Fuck it maybe I should just say it. Just in case.

Mom, Jack, Cas, I’m so sorry. I know this isn’t fair, and I’m doing the exact same thing Sam did. But you guys know me, and you know how the two of us are, and you know that we have never been able to be apart. I can’t live without him. I don’t intend to even _try_ , so sorry, but I’m not sorry.

Jack, Baby’s yours now. Look after her well. And look after yourself. And I know it may seem hard to remember, but – I’m just going to say it – I love you. And Sam does too, more than anyone else ever could. That will never change, no matter what. You’re our kid, no matter what anyone says, and I know he was really proud of you. And I am, too. You’re a good kid, and I’m glad you’re ours.

Mom. I’m so glad I got to know you. You weren’t what I expected. You are so much better, and every time I look at you I can’t believe my eyes, you’re here, you’re really here. I don’t care how old I get. You’re always gonna be my Mom, and I’m always gonna love you the same. Please don’t be too mad at me, Mom. I can’t live without him. I don’t know how to.

Cas – thank you for everything. You became family to me and Sam and you’ve always done your best with us, for us, and for that, I can’t thank you enough. You looked after us when we needed it, and even when we didn’t. Just do me one last favor, okay? Look after Mom too, and Jack. They’re gonna need you, when all is said and done.

I’m not good at this sort of thing, never was. That was always Sammy, the one who knew just what to say. ~~I just~~ I understand if you’re angry with me, if you hate me a little, and I’m sorry about that. Not sorry for what I’m doing though. I tried but I can’t be. It’s just who I am, who I’ve always been, and I can’t be sorry for that.

Take care, you guys.

 

 

 

It worked.

Holy fuck, _IT WORKED_.

It’s not the Empty. Not the fucking Empty. God I can’t breathe from the relief, I can’t breathe, _it’s not the fucking Empty_.

Don’t get why Billie didn’t just _say_ that, though, _fuck_. If I’d known you were waiting up in Heaven I wouldn’t have tried to bring you back, I’d just have joined you.

Okay, well, that’s a lie, I’d definitely have tried to bring you back. Don’t want to, but I see her point.

But oh God Sammy, the _relief_ , you’re still there, you’re waiting, you’re still _existing_ somewhere, ~~I’m~~

Fuck, I need ~~a drink~~ to see you, to see for myself, you’re there, you’re waiting, you’re not gone, _you’re not gone_

 

 

 

I remember when you were going to be born, Sam. I was so fucking excited. Talked Mom and Dad’s ears off about it.

I remember holding you in my arms for the first time. You were so fucking tiny, and all I could think of was that I had to protect you, no matter what. Even before Dad told me. I was just four but I still would have fought the whole world for you, Sammy. Some things never change, huh?

I remember everything – the first time you smiled, your first words, your first steps. All for me. I remember your first day of school, the first time you fell and skinned your knee, the first time you got a report card home. Was so proud of you, Sammy. Always so proud.

I know we’ve had our bad times. I don’t wanna talk about them now. They don’t matter as much as the good ones do.

Your first date, your first beer, the first time you drove Baby. Your first hunt. You were amazing, Sammy. I was so proud, kid.

You used to hug me so much when you were little. Lots of kisses too, kinda slobbery and I know I acted grossed out but they always made my day, little brother. Warmed my heart when you’d tell me about your day and ask about mine, when you’d fall asleep talking because you were so tired but you just had to tell me everything.

I remember when you missed Jess so bad you cried at night when you thought I was asleep, and it fucking killed me because I didn’t know how to make it better. I didn’t know how to fix it, and it scared me so fucking much, and it destroyed me, and I swore to myself I’d never let you cry like that again. Didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, and I know sometimes I was the reason you cried when you thought no one was listening, and for that I’m sorry.

And I remember when you began smiling again, when you’d laugh at my jokes, and things were still bad and you still missed Jess but the world felt brighter. At least to me. When you laughed it always felt like we’d be okay, no matter what. You did it less and less as we grew older, but the feeling never changed.

God I’ve never been this fucking sappy in my life, but fuck it.

Every birthday the two of us spent with each other, every Fourth of July, every night under the stars, every movie marathon, every pointless road trip that didn’t involve a case… that’s what my heaven’s gonna be made of. That’s what I want to relive for the rest of eternity. With you by my side, where you belong. It’s the stuff we’re made of, what our souls consist of.

 

 

 

Sammy. I love you, little brother. Love you so fucking much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I suppose I should write down the date. That’s what you’ve been doing so far, Dean.

It has been one month and twelve days. This does not get any easier to deal with, as I’m sure you know. But I understand why you did it. So does your mother, though she still weeps when she thinks no one is looking. Jack was angry for a while, but he understands too. He asked me if he’ll go to heaven when he dies. I said yes, and that seems to have helped him. I know the two of you will be waiting for him.

We salted and burned your body, Dean. Scattered the ashes in the Grand Canyon, like you did Sam’s. Until the end, you looked like you were sleeping. I hope you found peace, Dean.

I do not have words for what you and Sam mean to me. I do not think such words exist. All I can say is that I am proud to have been your friend, to have known you two as I did. You are the two humans who changed me fundamentally, who opened my eyes, so to speak, and I know I shall never be the same again. I do not want to be. I want to stay as you two made me.

I do not know how long I will live. But I do know that I will never forget you, not a decade from now, nor a century, nor thousands upon thousands of years. You are truly remarkable, the both of you, incredibly stubborn, strong-willed, so utterly obstinate. So flawed. And yet so kind, compassionate, gentle when you need to be. You love so much, and so intensely. I do not have a soul, and therefore I may never understand the depth of what you and Sam feel for each other, what it is like to have an “other half”. But I do understand what love is, and for that I have the two of you to thank.

Billie has locked up your heaven once more, now that you are both in it. I cannot access it. I think she is hoping I will not try to bring either of you back. She does not need to go to all these precautions – I will not try. You are finally at peace; why would I take that away from you?

I don’t know if I will ever see you two again. I hope I do, but I do not think I will, somehow. If that is the case, I would like to remember you two the way you are in my favorite memory of you – laughing, happy, together. I hope that is how you are now, in your heaven. I hope that is how you will always remain. It is the least of what you deserve.

I do not know how long I will live, but I will dedicate every minute of it to ensuring your legacy lives on. That your sacrifice was not for nothing. I will ensure Jack lives a happy life, that your mother learns to smile again, that this bunker becomes a home once more and not just a cold empty place like you left it. I do not care how long it takes. I will do it.

Goodbye, Sam and Dean, my closest friends. My brothers. I pray you are at peace, and I pray it remains undisturbed.

Your friend always,

Castiel

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments will be much appreciated, please let me know what you thought! And don't forget to drop by Sandy's post and tell her how epic she is!
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Remy x


End file.
